Honey. Sweetie. Sweetheart. Baby. Dear. Darling. Darlin’. Doll. Babe. Hon. Son. Boy.
Whether called terms of endearment or petnames, referring to someone by these terms at work is disrespectful, demeaning and could lead to a claim of harassment.
Recently when I was at dinner with parents from my daughter’s team, one of the dads responded to the server saying, “Thanks Dear.” Another called her “Sweetie.” After calling them out on it and asking the server how it made her feel, she said sheepishly, “Well, the way he said it didn’t bother me, but some people do.”
To be clear, that server, and all workers, have a right to go to work and not be disrespected by anyone, including co-workers and customers.
It’s not just men that use these terms toward women. I was recently at lunch with girlfriends, one of whom said to our female server, “Thank you, honey.”
Referring to another person using these terms is too familiar. Merriam-Webster defines “honey” as “a loved one,” with synonyms listed as “sweetheart” or “dear.”
Your co-worker, subordinate employee, boss, customer, flight attendant, bank teller, server or customer service representative is not your loved one.
Using a term of endearment also shows a lack of respect for the person.
Would you refer to the principal at your child’s school, the CEO of your company or judge in court with these terms? Most likely you would not because individuals in these positions typically garner respect.
All employees deserve that same level of respect.
It is also extremely condescending to refer to an adult as “honey” or “darlin.’ ” When using a term like this, you are telling that person he or she is subordinate to you, like a child.
In some cases, these terms can lead to a claim of harassment.
A Cal State Los Angeles administrator recently was accused in a lawsuit of using such terms as “sweetheart,” “love” and “babe” for women employed in the school’s athletic department, among other issues. The university denied the allegations.
The lawsuit claimed that the university “pretended to investigate” the administrator’s “objectively offensive use of belittling, sexist terms in an office setting, like ‘babe,’ and ‘sweetheart’ to refer to the female employees and saying ‘I could kiss you’ to a female student employee.”
The lawsuit claimed that, “such conduct by [the employee] is nothing more tha
While you may not mean to disrespect the person, it’s your conduct, not your intentions, that are relevant in considering appropriate workplace conduct.
Whether ultimately actionable or not, using those terms can generate a disrespectful work environment, can lead to investigations into allegations of harassment, and can negatively impact peer and management relationships.
Further, comply with the adage of no double standards.
Recently a younger man approached me after the training asking how to address two older women who report to him and frequently refer to him as “honey” and “sweetie.” He said they also greet him daily with a big hug. None of these interactions is welcome by him.
I told him to let them know they need to tighten up, and reinforce their professional interactions. Tell them this isn’t personal, but he needs to hold everyone to the same standards of professionalism.
Their conduct cannot be permitted merely because they are older, women and probably harmless.
Neither men, nor women, should use these terms, including between same or opposite genders at work.
n a male chauvinistic bullying tactic designed to immediately undermine the authority and importance of the women he is harassing.” The lawsuit expressly objected to the school’s finding that these were “mere ‘terms of endearment,’” adding they were “demeaning, hostile terms.”
When I talk about terms of endearment during management training, people push back saying they refer to everyone this way, that it is harmless, that they are from the South, this is how they were raised or that it’s generational.